Archer Inaction Figures
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger makes some toys of the staff of the Figgis Agency.


**Toys running amok took the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Even this idea isn't mine. Blame Star Saber 21 for it.**

 **Archer Inaction Figures **

"And that is why we are no longer allowing peanut butter outside the break room!" Mallory snapped at the majority of the Figgis Agency members sitting in the bullpen.

"Preferably **none at all** in this agency," Cyril glared at them. "Our offices smell like a squirrel's wet dream!"

"Don't look at me," Archer spoke up. "I don't even **like** peanut butter. And I certainly didn't smear it all over…"

"We **know** where it was!" Cyril snapped angrily.

"Then you should know I **didn't do it!"** Archer snapped.

"That's true," Ray said. "Your medium is more whipped cream and breakfast burritos."

"Well not at the same time," Archer corrected.

"Nevertheless…" Mallory growled. "NO MORE PEANUT BUTTER!"

"Why are you bitching at **us** over this?" Pam snapped. "Krieger's not only the one who made most of the mess, he's the one who actually made the peanut butter!"

"Yeah where is Krieger?" Cyril looked around. "He's supposed to be at this meeting."

"I showed up," Archer grinned.

"Good for you Sterling," Mallory said sarcastically. "You get a smiley sticker. Krieger? KRIEGER WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"

"KRIEGER GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE BEFORE I KICK IT UP TO WHERE YOUR FACE IS!" Pam shouted.

"YEAH WHY SHOULD WE GET YELLED AT FOR WHAT YOU DID?" Archer added. "And Carol…"

"He, he, he, he…" Cheryl had peanut butter smeared all over her face.

"Why…?" Ray asked with a sigh.

"Peanut butter mask," Cheryl grinned. "So I can be toxic to people who are allergic to peanut butter."

"Of course…" Ray groaned.

"That's too nasty even for me," Mallory winced.

"Wow, I raised the bar," Cheryl beamed.

"See this is why you should at least **try** to be nicer around here," Lana said to Mallory.

"I **am** nice!" Mallory snapped. "KRIEGER, YOU MORON! GET OUT HERE BEFORE I SHOOT YOUR NAZI HIDE!"

"Yup, yup, yup…" Krieger walked in. He was hiding something under his lab coat. "What are we doing?"

"What are **you** doing?" Ray sighed. "I ask knowing that I just probably opened myself up as a witness for the prosecution."

"Krieger what's under the coat?" Archer asked.

"Nothing," Krieger said innocently.

"Krieger," Cyril gave him a look. "The last time you said there was nothing under your coat, with had an incident with exploding mice."

"Actually, that one was a cyborg rat," Pam corrected.

"Oh right," Cyril remembered. "But you can see why I was confused right?"

"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "Easy mistake to make."

"Wait, Krieger made a cyborg **rat?** " Archer shouted. "When was **this?** "

"When you were on one of your little _**vacations**_ ," Mallory told him. "Now, when was it? Was it when he was grief banging the Pacific Rim after the whore Katya died? Or was it when he ruined my wedding?"

"Definitely before your wedding," Pam said.

"But it was **after** the pirate incident," Ray said. "Because that was the day before my eyepatch was removed."

"Oh right," Lana said. "Now I remember. You sent Archer on some mission and he was gone for a few days."

"Oh right," Mallory said. "What mission was that again?"

"Who remembers?" Archer groaned. "So out with it Krieger. What's under the coat?"

"Well…" Krieger went to a table and put what he had on a table. "My newest project."

 _"Toys?"_ Archer did a double take. "Your newest project is playing with **toys?"**

"Oh dear God," Mallory groaned. "Please tell me this isn't a return to your Barbie Porn Phase!"

"Those were collectibles!" Krieger snapped.

"Not after you were done with them," Mallory grumbled. "They were chopped up into so many pieces I think they could have been technically classified as confetti."

"You had no right to throw them away!" Krieger snapped. "I was still playing with them!"

"You were twenty-three," Mallory told him. "Trust me, what you did with them wasn't playing! I'm pretty sure you broke at least a couple laws."

"What the hell are these?" Archer picked up a doll. "Wait a minute…Is that **me?"**

"Are these us?" Pam gasped as she got a look.

"You made **toys** of us?" Lana was stunned.

"Well they're definitely not models for life sized robotic figures," Krieger laughed nervously. "Nope, nope, nope!"

"Why…?" Ray was confused.

"To sell them of course!" Krieger said. "To make money for the agency! Yes that's what I was doing. Making toys of ourselves to make money for the agency."

"Who the hell would buy toys based on **us**?" Cyril asked.

"Well maybe not **most** of you," Archer looked at his doll. "Me definitely. And Lana."

"Yeah I mean…Hello!" Pam picked up the Lana doll and started examining it. "Lana is kind of a no brainer. She's even more stacked than Barbie!"

"Will you stop fondling me?" Lana snapped. "Oh, dear god that just sounded weird…This **whole thing** is weird!"

"As opposed to the dozens of **other weird things** that happen to us **all the time**?" Ray asked as he looked at his doll. "Hang on, what does this button on the back do?"

He pressed it. "Dukes!" The doll said.

"Oh yeah they talk too!" Krieger said. "I recorded a few sayings from your actual voices."

"I'm not even going to ask how you did that…" Ray sighed.

"It involves a lot of secret microphones," Krieger went on.

"He tells me anyway," Ray groaned.

"What does mine say?" Archer pressed his doll.

"Danger Zone!" The Archer doll said. "I am awesome! LANAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Pam pressed the Lana doll's button. "WHAT?" The Lana doll said.

Pam pressed it again. "Noooooooooope!"

"Will you **stop** that?" Lana snapped as she grabbed her doll from Pam.

To this Cheryl picked up her doll and pushed the button. "YOU ARE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" It screamed.

"This is cool!" Cheryl giggled.

"Sploosh!" Pam picked up hers and played with it. "Holy Snacklesnaps!"

"Snacklesnaps?" Pam asked.

"I thought it would be best to cut down on the swearing," Krieger said. "In case an actual child gets a hold of them."

"I think that ship sailed with the sploosh," Archer said as he played with his.

"And a child **has** gotten hold of them," Mallory quipped.

Ray tried his again. "You know…?" The doll said.

"Wow these things really do work," Ray remarked.

"Let's see mine," Cyril tried his.

"Hello," The doll said weakly. "I'm Cyril Figgis…I hate my life."

"HEY!" Cyril shouted as everyone else laughed.

"I may have had to piece together one or two sentences," Krieger admitted. "What? Is it my fault some of you don't have snappy catchphrases?"

"I like glue!" Cheryl's doll said.

"I like men!" Ray's doll said.

"I have no problem with mine," Ray said.

"Me too!" Cheryl agreed.

"Let's see what Ms. Archer's says!" Pam tried that doll.

"Who do you have to murder around here to get some damn ice?" Mallory's doll said.

"That is so her," Pam remarked.

"It's uncanny," Ray agreed.

"Yeah but that was the only one I could program for her," Krieger said. "I was kind of rushed for time. And I ran out of ideas."

Cheryl suggested. "How about, _'I've had more men inside me than Gillette Stadium but I still think I'm attractive?'"_

" **Excuse me?"** Mallory glared at Cheryl.

"What? It's accurate," Cheryl said.

"I have one for Carol," Mallory growled. "How about, _'I'm proof that God thinks very little of money and that some people should be_ _ **sterilized**_ _'?"_

"Also pretty accurate," Lana agreed.

Cheryl looked at Lana. "I've got one for Lana. _I'm a self-righteous whiny hypocrite with monster hands!"_

"Good one," Cyril snorted.

"In what way am I a **hypocrite**?" Lana barked.

"Do you want the whole list or just the top ten?" Cheryl asked.

"Stick to the top five," Archer spoke up. "It is a long one."

" **Excuse me?"** Lana barked.

"Number One is that you said you'd **never** date Mr. Archer ever again," Cheryl said. "And fittingly Number Two is that you said you dodged the world's most dysfunctional bullet by not having a baby with him."

"And we all know you reversed your position on **both** of them pretty fast!" Cyril agreed.

"Often by getting into reverse cowgirl position," Ray added.

"You're not exactly Mr. Innocent," Lana glared at Cyril. "Mr. Whining Needy Neurotic Cheating Asshole!"

Cheryl looked at Archer. "And you always wondered what they had in common."

"Well now that you point it out…" Archer admitted. "I see it, yeah."

"Lana, I'm not saying what I did wasn't wrong," Cyril said. "But what I did those few times, Archer made a **career** out of! And he's **still** doing it!"

"This is not about me and Veronica," Archer spoke up.

"YOU **AND** VERONICA?" Lana barked.

"Smooth move Ex-Lax," Pam groaned. "Bring **that** up!"

"This isn't about **me**!" Archer said quickly. "Or Lana or anyone else! This is about Krieger and his creepy little doll collection. Which let's be honest, he's probably already played with naked and in compromising positions!"

"Wait do you mean the **dolls** are naked and in compromising positions?" Cheryl blinked. "Or Krieger with the **dolls** …?"

"Well technically both…" Krieger admitted.

"EWWWWWW!" Everyone said at the same time.

"God damn dude!" Ray groaned.

"Just when I think you can't get any creepier…" Cyril shuddered.

"Do **not** want to touch this anymore!" Lana put her doll down and shuddered.

"Not like **that!** " Krieger said. "It gets hot in my lab. And…"

"Don't **want** to know!" Archer spoke up. "I don't want to know what perverted things you've done with the dolls!"

"Technically nothing with the **dolls** …" Krieger began.

"Don't want to know!" Mallory snapped. "On the other hand, at least this isn't an exploding mouse incident so…"

"And you're just **okay** with this?" Cyril shouted.

"Honestly, yes. For Krieger, this is tame. Creepy as hell but tame," Mallory shrugged.

"They don't explode do they?" Ray asked.

"Nope," Krieger shrugged.

"Then I'm good," Ray shrugged.

"They're just toys standing around doing nothing and saying stupid things," Mallory remarked. "In other words just like the real thing."

"Hey!" Archer and the others said.

"Congratulations Krieger," Mallory remarked. "You made dolls that are surprisingly accurate."

"Again," Archer said. "Hey!"

"I guess you could call them inaction figures," Mallory went on.

"They do stuff!" Krieger protested. "You just have to push the button on their chest."

"Really?" Archer turned his on. "Let's see what mine does!" He put his doll down.

"Oh dear God!" Mallory shouted as the doll started to do his thing.

"I don't know why this shocks me," Cyril groaned. "I shouldn't be shocked. But I **am!"**

"That Archer doll is trying to hump all the female dolls," Ray pointed. "Wow these things really are accurate."

"You know…?" Archer gave Ray a look.

"So much for the inaction part," Pam quipped. "That doll is getting **plenty** of action."

"This would definitely not be considered a **children's toy,"** Cyril sighed.

"I'm in love with Veronica Deane!" The Archer doll spoke up as his doll went along with his business.

"WHAT?" Lana shouted.

"KRIEGER!" Archer shouted.

CRUNCH!

"Oooh…" Ray winced as the Archer doll was crushed in Lana's hands. "My balls hurt just watching that."

"Mine too," Cyril winced.

"Meep!" Archer gulped.

"Sploosh!" Pam grinned.

"Double sploosh!" Cheryl agreed.

Lana screamed and then destroyed most of the dolls on the table. Ray, Pam and Cheryl held onto theirs so they escaped the wrath of Lana. But the others were completely destroyed.

"Can't have nice things," Krieger sighed.

Lana growled and glared at both Archer and Krieger. "Lana…" Archer gulped nervously. "I know you're a tad upset but remember one thing. Krieger is a liar and…SMOKE BOMB!"

"THAT'S MY GIMMICK!" Krieger shouted as he ran after Archer.

"I'll GIMMICK THE BOTH OF YOU!" Lana shouted as she chased after them.

"Great…" Mallory sighed. "Another productive end to another productive meeting."

CRASH! SMASH!

"OWWWW!" Archer was heard screaming.

"Still better than the explosive mice," Mallory admitted with a shrug.

"That's the **bar** here?" Cyril shouted. "That nothing **literally explodes**?"

"AAAAAH!" Archer screamed.

"Besides Lana?" Ray asked. "Yeah that's pretty much it."

"AAAHHH!" Krieger was heard screaming.

"Oh…" Cyril picked up his doll. "Did she have to break mine too? It's broken…"

"Just like the real Cyril," Cheryl said.

SMASH! CRASH!

"OWWWW! LANA!" Archer shouted.

"You guys wanna play dolls in the breakroom?" Pam suggested.

"Yeah okay," Cheryl agreed.

" **Seriously?"** Ray asked.

"Like you weren't thinking about it?" Pam gave him a look.

"I was," Ray sighed. "Damn it!"

"Come on Ray," Pam snorted. "We all know you have a secret stash of Barbies whose hair you style when you think no one's around."

"So?" Cheryl asked. "I have a stash of Barbies and Kens that I burn sometimes."

"Sooooo…" Ray paused. "Our dolls raid Barbie's penthouse?"

"Great idea!" Cheryl giggled. "I'll get the elastic bands and matches!"

"Some agency this is," Cyril groaned as the others left. "Half my staff is trying to kill each other. While the other half is planning to gang rape Barbie and Ken!"

CRASH!

"Come on Little Cyril," Cyril sniffed as he took his doll. "I'm going to try and fix you!"

"Why should the **doll** be fixed before **you**?" Mallory called out.

"SHUT UP!" Cyril started crying as he stormed out of the room.

CRASH!

"OWWW! MOTHER! MOTHER SHE'S HURTING ME WITH HER GIANT HANDS!" Archer shouted. "MOTHER! OWWWW!"

"I swear," Mallory groaned. "If I populated my staff with **actual children** they wouldn't be half as immature as this lot!"


End file.
